A few things rattling around in my head...

You know, I've been thinking a lot about some things that were said to me last weekend as well as a few of the comments and responses I made.

First of all - and this is not an excuse by any stretch of the imagination - the day before vacation is always full of stress and frustration for me, so I'm not quite as receptive or communicative as I should be, so for those of you who had to deal with my heightened emotional state, I apologize for my less than mature behavior. There were over-reactions aplenty running around.

That said, I feel it's important to share something with you. No one is perfect. For those of you who went into major protective mode after learning that I had the audacity to be in touch with someone who hurt me badly in the recent past, I have a message for you...

In the 15+ years that I've known Mike, I've done some really heinous things - things that you might say he shouldn't forgive. He certainly should never have married me based on what he'd already known about me. He should have walked away to guarantee I could never hurt him again.

Among the worst crimes of my not-as-distant-as-one-might-think youth, I actually stole money from my mother. Not twenty dollars from her purse when I was ten, mind you, but a 4-digit figure when I was old enough to know better. My mother was told to hang me out to dry to the police. She probably should have.

But neither of them did what they should have in the eyes of the people around them, and I have learned some valuable lessons in the process.

You see, this wasn't just about forgiveness, although, yes, that was the big lesson there, because I knew I didn't deserve it and in most cases didn't dare ask for it. This was about acceptance. It was about love and compassion and understanding. It was about how these traits are not signs of weakness (as a lot of people would have us believe), but acts of strength. It's hard not to close the door forever on someone who hurts you to the core. It's hard to be cut to the quick, yet turn around and let the pain and anger go. It's easier to hate and to become cold and cut people off so that they can never ever hurt you again.

I'm not talking about forgetting and letting the same things happen again. I'm not talking about giving complete trust to someone who has clearly abused it. True trust has to be earned or earned back. It took years of growing and learning on my part, and time, understanding, and patience on theirs, before the people I hurt began to trust me again. What I am saying is that without that initial forgiveness and compassion, I'd have never had the chance to learn from the people I love most just who I want to be. They taught me by the light of their example, not by leaving me alone in the dark with nothing but my mistakes and the pain that led me to them.

For those of you who thought before this incident that I was worthy of your friendship, think about this...

If I felt you were worth getting to know, then I got to know you. If I felt you were worth risking being hurt to become close to as a friend, then I took the risk.

And when I reacted with anger or frustration and came back later and asked for forgiveness for that, you gave it. When you reacted to me with anger or frustration, I tried to make things right between us.

Who are you to say which person is worthy of that and which is not? Who am I to say which is or isn't?

I won't apologize for letting the past go so that I can focus on my here and now. I can't afford to hold onto hate and pain with an emotional disorder and a family that needs me to be everything I can be for them right now. I can't be a good friend to you if I can't remember the lessons I've learned that have made me able to accept and trust your friendship.

I've accepted you for who you are. I recognize that you have a right to an opinion and that I may not always agree with your opinions. I'd appreciate it if you would afford me that courtesy in return.

If you come to me and talk to me about what's on your mind, I will try my best (even bend over backward, I've been told) to find a common ground or compromise to work out whatever problems you have with me. I'll listen. I'll even understand if you decide you can't talk to me or be around me anymore for whatever reason. It'll hurt, but I'll understand.

I don't know how to end this, so I'm just going to end it. I hope that the friends I have who are reading this allow for the opinions expressed here and understand the choices I've made.