Anyone looking for a good D&D campaign?

I've just posted plans for a campaign at my Tumblr blog at this link. 

Twenty Years!

So, Mike and I don't really have one song that's 'our song'. Like our relationship, the list of 'us' songs has grown and evolved over the years, and I was thinking that it'd be nice to post the top five. Or...the first five I can both think of AND find a youtube video of... :P

We're a total Disney couple, so there has to be at least one here. Mike was my prince from the start, and he has always made me feel like his princess.

By the time Mike and I were getting married, I'd already been through some things that made me a complete cynic. Mike, however, was always a dreamer, and he promised to dream enough for both of us.

We were so young when we started out, and life has not always been so easy. I tell people we grew up together, but not always at the same time or pace. When I was fifteen, Mike told me that we were going to get married one day. I laughed and told him how unlikely that was. So, when we first listened to this song, we kinda just went..."Yeah. That's it."

Okay, total 80's children here. Even before we made out to this song in a car wash one day, this song made me think of Mike. The making out thing just solidified it's place on the list forever.

And to round out this list, the latest song added to our 'us' songs is also my favorite. I stumbled across this song while flitting around on Youtube one day, and by the end of it, I had tears rolling down my cheeks, and we were clasping hands and nodding. If someone wrote a song about our marriage specifically and our life together, I don't think it could be sweeter or more ideally romantic. It would just be different details.

With that, I want to just say I am really looking forward to the next twenty years and the twenty after that...and the twenty after that....and on and on.

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Word Crimes

For Mike

Happy Mother's Day!

The Gambler by Fun.

Nineteen Years

It was unseasonably colder than expected with a wind that chilled us to the bone, and we were outside.

My veil blew up over my head as I came around the corner.

After forgetting to bring my stereo, we had to settle for music played from Mike's car speakers.

We barely got a bite to eat during the whole reception.

The best man forgot shaving cream, so he decorated the car with mustard, which took hours to chisel off in the freezing cold the next morning.

Our reservations didn't start until the next day, so when we got to Orlando, we stayed in a very cheap hotel room that...well, at least it had a bed.

For years, I wanted a do over when it came to the wedding.

Now, I'd just like another perfect honeymoon.

And the marriage?

Well, that's still going like gangbusters. It's better than I could have ever ever dreamed possible.

Stigma

I get it more than I ever did before. I understand why other bipolars don't tell people about their illness or their medication issues with people outside of the psych's office or support group.

I still believe that public education is the key, but I'm done with what it seems to do to my attempts at friendships.

Some things should just stay private.

Happy New Year!

DJ Earworm Mashup - United State of Pop 2013 (Living the Fantasy)

For the Realm!!!

Happy Birthday, Mike!

Happy birthday to my soul mate! 

I love you so much! I hope your day is spectacular!

Merry Christmas to all!

The USAF Band Holiday Flash Mob at the National Air and Space Museum 2013

Christmas Cards

Another holiday season is here!

So, here's the thing. I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday, hands down. Except, no one told my bipolar this, and as far as it's concerned, this is consistently the worst time of the year for mood swings, significantly intensified symptoms, and general havoc - even when I'm on my meds (which I am not currently).

This is the first year in a long time that my mother and aunt haven't tried to prompt me to get my Christmas cards out the door, and I'm actually finding myself grateful. You see, the ritual seems to go like this...

One or both of them drops off a box of Christmas cards, sometimes even stamps, at some point within the first couple of weeks of December. By this point, however, I've already begun to short-circuit in some way, and any external factors that I already have difficulty dealing with are increased exponentially. So, I put the cards on my desk, promising them and myself that I will get them done as soon as I can.

And they sit there.

Taunting me.

You see, when your emotional state is in the crapper already and things like not staying in bed all day and taking a shower have become huge hurdles in your day-to-day life, everything you can't get to adds to your list of failures overall when you're beating yourself up as you try to figure out how the hell to get to sleep at night.

I know the steps. Write a list of people you're going to send the cards to. Make sure you have current addresses. Sign each card. Fill out each envelope. Stamp. Take to the post office (because we don't have an outgoing mail slot in our building's mailbox). See? I know them!

At best, what happens is this: Half an hour before my family's Christmas Eve gathering, I hastily sign cards and write names on envelopes for everyone who is going to be at said gathering.

You'll be happy to know that I have finally devised a cunning plan to handle this and finally break the cycle of failure! :)

But, it starts next year.  :P

Next year, I have a 'To Do' entry in my calendar to prepare my Christmas cards the first week of November before what seems to be my yearly holiday freakout, so all that will be left will be sending the cards out - which Mike has agreed to do.

This year, please forgive me for not sending you a card. In fact, if you want to help me out, you have until November 1st, 2014 to email me your current mailing address, and I'd really appreciate the assistance in building my list between now and then!

I sincerely wish everyone out there a happy, joyful holiday, no matter which one you celebrate. May it be full of family and warmth!

--Lela

Life on the roller coaster

The utter and sheer devastation that, no matter how careful you try to be, your emotions have gotten away from you again, and now, you have to apologize. Again.

Embarrasment at losing control. Humiliation that you couldn't make it stop. Anger at yourself for not being able to stop bursting into tears.

Resentment at 'normal' people for not even trying to control or apologize for their own emotional garbage when you have to try so damn hard.

Just another day on the emotional roller coaster ride from hell...

Happy Birthday to ME!

*sings*

Happy birthday to me!


That's right. I share my birthday with some of the coolest people on the planet: United States veterans!

Overdue Update

We've begun moving Shawn into our apartment until we can get a three bedroom, to conserve and combine finances with the hopes of stretching them that much further. The guys are still looking for full time jobs, so keep them in your thoughts and prayers. 

Thanks.

An observation about a rather sticky subject

(Disclaimer: The below article is about suicide. If this subject disturbs or triggers you, please skip this post altogether. I'm going though a hard time right now, and I needed to express something I'm going through in a safe and healthy way. I don't know if it will help anyone else, but since I believe so strongly in mental health advocacy and education, I could not, in good conscience, just relegate it to a file folder on my hard drive where it would never be seen. That being said, I hope it DOES help someone out there - whether it helps change their point of view or lets someone else know they're not alone. Thank you.)


I hear a lot about how people who commit suicide are weak or quitters or somehow horrible people, and I have to tell you that I think the people who perpetuate that kind of garbage are ignorant and, sometimes, evil.


When someone repeats these things, they send a clear message to anyone around them who is at risk for suicide that they are less than, beneath, and unworthy of help. So, guess what? They don't ask for help when they need it. They just continue to suffer in silence until the day that it's too late, and then, they sit in their room and stare at a bottle of pills or a gun or the plan that they have carefully thought out a dozen or million times until that moment where they can no longer stop themselves.


Mental health illnesses are cruel punishment to a person – especially in a society where it seems that the only value a person has is how much money they can make or how successful they can be or how beautiful their physical appearance is. Self confidence is hard enough to come by without the pressure of proving that one is worthy of being treated with the same dignity and respect that 'normal' people deserve by simply not being sick.


There are continuous battles to wage on a daily basis over things as small as getting out of bed in the morning. Symptoms can range from insomnia or hypersomnia to paranoid thoughts to despair to inappropriate behaviors to even visual or auditory hallucinations, and each symptom comes with its own set of effects that can affect daily life - sometimes, so significantly that life isn't just disrupted, but halted and made all the more miserable.


Mental health treatment is also harsh in a lot of ways. Those on the outside of a mental health crisis seem to think that medication fixes everything, and the person with the illness should be fine as though it's a simple flick of a light switch, when in truth, every day is a constant battle on several fronts. There's the battle with oneself to justify the burden one is on their family, and then, there's the burden of not being strong enough to overcome what so many people around them seem to think is just a matter of willpower. There's the battle to sort what thoughts and feelings are a product of misfiring neurons and imbalanced chemicals and which thoughts and feelings are based in reality, no matter where the distortion of perception originates.


There's a battle over how useless and/or worthless a life can become before it can be justly snuffed out of existence. Hell, there's even resentment when the one thing stopping one from doing it is that one's loved ones have to be the ones to pay for one's “weakness”, and the battle between that and being a burden becomes neverending.


In the end, it's not a choice. In the end, it's not about being too weak or even selfish.



In the end, it's about losing the war.

Update

For those who are keeping track, both job interviews Mike had today were a no.