Stigma

I get it more than I ever did before. I understand why other bipolars don't tell people about their illness or their medication issues with people outside of the psych's office or support group.

I still believe that public education is the key, but I'm done with what it seems to do to my attempts at friendships.

Some things should just stay private.

Happy New Year!

DJ Earworm Mashup - United State of Pop 2013 (Living the Fantasy)

For the Realm!!!

Happy Birthday, Mike!

Happy birthday to my soul mate! 

I love you so much! I hope your day is spectacular!

Merry Christmas to all!

The USAF Band Holiday Flash Mob at the National Air and Space Museum 2013

Christmas Cards

Another holiday season is here!

So, here's the thing. I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday, hands down. Except, no one told my bipolar this, and as far as it's concerned, this is consistently the worst time of the year for mood swings, significantly intensified symptoms, and general havoc - even when I'm on my meds (which I am not currently).

This is the first year in a long time that my mother and aunt haven't tried to prompt me to get my Christmas cards out the door, and I'm actually finding myself grateful. You see, the ritual seems to go like this...

One or both of them drops off a box of Christmas cards, sometimes even stamps, at some point within the first couple of weeks of December. By this point, however, I've already begun to short-circuit in some way, and any external factors that I already have difficulty dealing with are increased exponentially. So, I put the cards on my desk, promising them and myself that I will get them done as soon as I can.

And they sit there.

Taunting me.

You see, when your emotional state is in the crapper already and things like not staying in bed all day and taking a shower have become huge hurdles in your day-to-day life, everything you can't get to adds to your list of failures overall when you're beating yourself up as you try to figure out how the hell to get to sleep at night.

I know the steps. Write a list of people you're going to send the cards to. Make sure you have current addresses. Sign each card. Fill out each envelope. Stamp. Take to the post office (because we don't have an outgoing mail slot in our building's mailbox). See? I know them!

At best, what happens is this: Half an hour before my family's Christmas Eve gathering, I hastily sign cards and write names on envelopes for everyone who is going to be at said gathering.

You'll be happy to know that I have finally devised a cunning plan to handle this and finally break the cycle of failure! :)

But, it starts next year.  :P

Next year, I have a 'To Do' entry in my calendar to prepare my Christmas cards the first week of November before what seems to be my yearly holiday freakout, so all that will be left will be sending the cards out - which Mike has agreed to do.

This year, please forgive me for not sending you a card. In fact, if you want to help me out, you have until November 1st, 2014 to email me your current mailing address, and I'd really appreciate the assistance in building my list between now and then!

I sincerely wish everyone out there a happy, joyful holiday, no matter which one you celebrate. May it be full of family and warmth!

--Lela

Life on the roller coaster

The utter and sheer devastation that, no matter how careful you try to be, your emotions have gotten away from you again, and now, you have to apologize. Again.

Embarrasment at losing control. Humiliation that you couldn't make it stop. Anger at yourself for not being able to stop bursting into tears.

Resentment at 'normal' people for not even trying to control or apologize for their own emotional garbage when you have to try so damn hard.

Just another day on the emotional roller coaster ride from hell...

Happy Birthday to ME!

*sings*

Happy birthday to me!


That's right. I share my birthday with some of the coolest people on the planet: United States veterans!

Overdue Update

We've begun moving Shawn into our apartment until we can get a three bedroom, to conserve and combine finances with the hopes of stretching them that much further. The guys are still looking for full time jobs, so keep them in your thoughts and prayers. 

Thanks.

An observation about a rather sticky subject

(Disclaimer: The below article is about suicide. If this subject disturbs or triggers you, please skip this post altogether. I'm going though a hard time right now, and I needed to express something I'm going through in a safe and healthy way. I don't know if it will help anyone else, but since I believe so strongly in mental health advocacy and education, I could not, in good conscience, just relegate it to a file folder on my hard drive where it would never be seen. That being said, I hope it DOES help someone out there - whether it helps change their point of view or lets someone else know they're not alone. Thank you.)


I hear a lot about how people who commit suicide are weak or quitters or somehow horrible people, and I have to tell you that I think the people who perpetuate that kind of garbage are ignorant and, sometimes, evil.


When someone repeats these things, they send a clear message to anyone around them who is at risk for suicide that they are less than, beneath, and unworthy of help. So, guess what? They don't ask for help when they need it. They just continue to suffer in silence until the day that it's too late, and then, they sit in their room and stare at a bottle of pills or a gun or the plan that they have carefully thought out a dozen or million times until that moment where they can no longer stop themselves.


Mental health illnesses are cruel punishment to a person – especially in a society where it seems that the only value a person has is how much money they can make or how successful they can be or how beautiful their physical appearance is. Self confidence is hard enough to come by without the pressure of proving that one is worthy of being treated with the same dignity and respect that 'normal' people deserve by simply not being sick.


There are continuous battles to wage on a daily basis over things as small as getting out of bed in the morning. Symptoms can range from insomnia or hypersomnia to paranoid thoughts to despair to inappropriate behaviors to even visual or auditory hallucinations, and each symptom comes with its own set of effects that can affect daily life - sometimes, so significantly that life isn't just disrupted, but halted and made all the more miserable.


Mental health treatment is also harsh in a lot of ways. Those on the outside of a mental health crisis seem to think that medication fixes everything, and the person with the illness should be fine as though it's a simple flick of a light switch, when in truth, every day is a constant battle on several fronts. There's the battle with oneself to justify the burden one is on their family, and then, there's the burden of not being strong enough to overcome what so many people around them seem to think is just a matter of willpower. There's the battle to sort what thoughts and feelings are a product of misfiring neurons and imbalanced chemicals and which thoughts and feelings are based in reality, no matter where the distortion of perception originates.


There's a battle over how useless and/or worthless a life can become before it can be justly snuffed out of existence. Hell, there's even resentment when the one thing stopping one from doing it is that one's loved ones have to be the ones to pay for one's “weakness”, and the battle between that and being a burden becomes neverending.


In the end, it's not a choice. In the end, it's not about being too weak or even selfish.



In the end, it's about losing the war.

Update

For those who are keeping track, both job interviews Mike had today were a no.

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

So, a few months ago, Bowser shared this with me when I was trying to explain some issues I was having to some family members and couldn't quite work out how to do so. He pointed me to the article and said it applies as much to mental health illnesses as it does to the medical condition known as Lupus used in this story. It's become a great tool for a lot of people to bridge that gap between people who live with an illness on a daily basis and those who don't.

Anyway, I think I shared it on FB at the time, but I never shared it here. The other day, I was talking to Bowser, and he reminded me of it (and pointed out that now is a very appropriate time to post it here), so I present to you...

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

On a happier note...

I've been married to my best friend and soulmate for nineteen years today, and I've never loved him more.

Happy anniversary to us!

Before you ask...

You know, there are some common things that are said to me on a daily basis that I have a hard time responding to for various reasons. It's not a reflection on the person saying them in any way, but it's a reflection of where I am finding myself emotionally and of what's going on here beyond the keyboard. Right now, this moment, however, I would like to address a few of them.

How are you doing?

Now, we all like to think of ourselves as honest people, but the truth of the matter is that this question is not meant for an honest answer in polite society. It's considered polite to say "Fine" or "Okay" or "Great". (On a related note, when I ask this question of others and get one of those three answers, I tend to wonder if I should follow up with "Are you really fine or just saying that?") However, I always feel compelled to answer honestly, and of late, I am none of those things, so I find myself hesitant to answer at all.

I'm not okay. I haven't been okay in a long while. I'm miserable, frustrated, irritated, exhausted, filled with self-loathing, depressed, in pain, and holding on by the slimmest, barest thread. The biggest thing that keeps me from going to the nearest mental health facility and checking myself in is that we can't afford more debt. The second is that those places terrify me as much as hospitals do. Maybe even  more so. The rest is that it would not help anything that is going on here, but would, in fact, do the opposite and make everything worse for Mike and Caedyn.

How am I doing? In my better moments, I wish I was in a coma or a drug-induced haze that spares me from the feeling of being a giant exposed nerve that the barest breeze sends into complete agony emotionally. In my worst moments, I wish I was dead. I consider it a personal point of pride that I haven't picked up a razor blade to indulge in cutting and am very glad I don't own a gun.

Do you want to talk about it?/Do you need a shoulder?

Hell no. I am talking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. Mostly, when I talk about it to anyone but the person who I go to about these things, I feel like I'm wasting my time and yours. Things are shit. My emotions are out of whack. My neck/shoulder problem is not getting any better, and I can't get it taken care of anymore than I can afford the process to get back on meds much less afford the meds. There's nothing I can do beyond what I'm doing, and I'm feeling hella guilty for how little that actually is while I watch my husband bear the brunt of dealing with everything I can't deal with while he tries to take care of me in the process.

The last thing I need to do is talk about it anymore. I'm so tired of talking.

Is there anything I can do?

I don't know. This question makes me uncomfortable, because I don't want to be in the position where I ask for help. I feel guilty when someone helps me, but I honestly appreciate it so very, very much. I say "Thank you", and it seems like such a tiny, insignificant response for how grateful I truly am. One day, I hope to be able to do something in return to show it better.

I know that in the face of seeing someone suffering, it frustrates the hell out of me if I can't do something to help them, so I know why you ask this question. However, on this end of the question where I'm supposed to come up with an answer, it's not just frustrating. It's humiliating and embarrassing and makes me want to run away and hide until all the pity stops making me feel all the more guilty.

If you can't think of anything, there are people who live in other parts of the world who can't get clean water and live with horrible medical conditions that are all but unheard of here. If you want to do something for me, please do something for them. Buy a five dollar gift card from Burger King and hand it to the next homeless person you see, so they can have a meal. There are hundreds of worthy causes out there that I have always wanted to contribute to, but have never been able to.

Are you alright?/Are you going to be okay?

Not in the immediate future. I don't want to speculate on it farther than that. I trust in Mike and God's guidance to work on the necessary steps between here and the place/time where I can be helped. I need my neck/shoulder treated so that I can be of actual help around whatever home we end up in, and then, I need to be under a psychiatrist's care. Both at the same time seems like an impossible dream. But before any of that, there are a number of things that need to be taken care of, and none of them are in my hands.

So, for now, I feel useless. I feel defeated. And, even if I had a solid timeline of how things are going to progress from where we are now to that point, I'd still be waiting for it all to happen. And if there's anything life has taught me, it's that plans are what life seeks to derail.



So, if you find yourself being directed to this page, please do me a huge favor. Just say things like "I'm praying for you" or "You're in my thoughts" or **hugs tight** or even "I'm here if you need anything."

Believe it or not, those things make me smile a little, because it means you understand. It means I'm not as alone as I feel. It means all the things the above questions are meant to portray, but in a more supportive way that makes me feel a little less like I'm dragging the entire world down with my despondence.

Thanks,
Lela

Update

Things here are still not so great, but I suppose that things are bound to move slower than any of us could hope for.

The stress on Mike finally got to his stomach, so he's been trying to recover from that yesterday and today.

I'm emotionally exhausted and trying to take things one minute at a time. I'm easily overwhelmed, though, so if I take a step back or suddenly stop responding to anyone in IMs/texts/in-game, please try to be patient with me. It's not what you said or how many messages you sent or whatever. I'm just trying to cope. My brain just does not seem to want to stay in gear, and I get foggy at random intervals, so I might seem a lot stupider than usual. Writing is just not coming.

Mike and Shawn are working on the details of the move, so please direct questions to Mike or keep an eye out here.

Thanks,
Lela

The Crap That is Going On.

Just so everyone is aware, things are not so well here in the Danow household. We are under a lot of stress, both financially, and subsequently emotional. Lela also has a mental disorder, which makes the crap times feel even worse to her. We are trying to keep utilities on, my working at a job that is not supporting us financially, and more debts falling on us as we try to catch up. We are currently working on getting a new place, and uprooting my family, who have stayed at the same place for some 15+ years now, and that is traumatizing for everyone. Please bear with us as we go through these trying times.

Tonight, Lela has had more than she can handle. To put it bluntly, she's had a mental breakdown. She can no longer handle anything that is going on in our lives, and has mentally shut down. Tonight, we had a ton of smoke fill up our apartment, almost to the point of what a fire would produce, to discover that our A/C unit may have shorted out. The biggest problem with this, aside from the fact that we live in South Florida, aka, the muggy state, is that we are still behind on our rent, and the owner is looking to blame failed units on the tenant, if they feel it was not properly maintained.

And we do not need more debt than we already have, just before we are looking to move.

Please understand if she does not want to talk, or is short, or is just not around. I am trying to improve our situation and get her stabilized, and that may take some time.

Update on the Big Move

Mike has a lead on a job that looks very promising!

He and Shawn will be running up to look at apartments and job opportunities on Tuesday, so please keep them in your prayers/thoughts/etc.

Just Float

There have been times where we all get overwhelmed. You know the days. Too much going on, too much stress, etc. I liken it to drowning when it starts to really push all the right depressive buttons to send me into a never-ending spiral of negativity and/or exhaustion.

A few years ago, while describing this to Mike, he reminded me that I have a tendency to fight hard against everything I'm feeling or experiencing. And, in the case of drowning - for those of you who get a good swimming reference - he reminded me that the worst thing a drowning person can do is fight and thrash, because it makes you sink faster. The safest thing to do when you realize that you're drowning and the undertow is dragging you underwater faster is to stop fighting and relax so that you begin to float toward the surface. Once you reach the surface of the water, you can start treading water and get your bearings to find the right direction to swim. He was right, too. He's known me all my life, and he's watched me do this time and again.

So, in the face of that rapidly worsening depression, Mike gave me the best tool in my coping mechanism toolbox - he suggested that I stop fighting and let myself float.

Ever since then, when I realize I'm beginning to sink deeper and deeper emotionally into that place, he reminds me that I need to float. It may take a day or a week - and by no means is it a permanent solution - but it helps a lot.

This entire summer has been hell on wheels, and it's ramping up into a huge undertaking that requires a bit of a leap of faith that making the changes mentioned in my last post can only be better than what we're facing if we don't make those changes. And I'm on board. Part of me is very excited to be moving forward and looking forward to throwing myself into my part of the big moving plan.

But, today, I woke up in a state of mind that I just can't shake.

I need to float.

-Lela