Before you ask...

You know, there are some common things that are said to me on a daily basis that I have a hard time responding to for various reasons. It's not a reflection on the person saying them in any way, but it's a reflection of where I am finding myself emotionally and of what's going on here beyond the keyboard. Right now, this moment, however, I would like to address a few of them.

How are you doing?

Now, we all like to think of ourselves as honest people, but the truth of the matter is that this question is not meant for an honest answer in polite society. It's considered polite to say "Fine" or "Okay" or "Great". (On a related note, when I ask this question of others and get one of those three answers, I tend to wonder if I should follow up with "Are you really fine or just saying that?") However, I always feel compelled to answer honestly, and of late, I am none of those things, so I find myself hesitant to answer at all.

I'm not okay. I haven't been okay in a long while. I'm miserable, frustrated, irritated, exhausted, filled with self-loathing, depressed, in pain, and holding on by the slimmest, barest thread. The biggest thing that keeps me from going to the nearest mental health facility and checking myself in is that we can't afford more debt. The second is that those places terrify me as much as hospitals do. Maybe even  more so. The rest is that it would not help anything that is going on here, but would, in fact, do the opposite and make everything worse for Mike and Caedyn.

How am I doing? In my better moments, I wish I was in a coma or a drug-induced haze that spares me from the feeling of being a giant exposed nerve that the barest breeze sends into complete agony emotionally. In my worst moments, I wish I was dead. I consider it a personal point of pride that I haven't picked up a razor blade to indulge in cutting and am very glad I don't own a gun.

Do you want to talk about it?/Do you need a shoulder?

Hell no. I am talking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. Mostly, when I talk about it to anyone but the person who I go to about these things, I feel like I'm wasting my time and yours. Things are shit. My emotions are out of whack. My neck/shoulder problem is not getting any better, and I can't get it taken care of anymore than I can afford the process to get back on meds much less afford the meds. There's nothing I can do beyond what I'm doing, and I'm feeling hella guilty for how little that actually is while I watch my husband bear the brunt of dealing with everything I can't deal with while he tries to take care of me in the process.

The last thing I need to do is talk about it anymore. I'm so tired of talking.

Is there anything I can do?

I don't know. This question makes me uncomfortable, because I don't want to be in the position where I ask for help. I feel guilty when someone helps me, but I honestly appreciate it so very, very much. I say "Thank you", and it seems like such a tiny, insignificant response for how grateful I truly am. One day, I hope to be able to do something in return to show it better.

I know that in the face of seeing someone suffering, it frustrates the hell out of me if I can't do something to help them, so I know why you ask this question. However, on this end of the question where I'm supposed to come up with an answer, it's not just frustrating. It's humiliating and embarrassing and makes me want to run away and hide until all the pity stops making me feel all the more guilty.

If you can't think of anything, there are people who live in other parts of the world who can't get clean water and live with horrible medical conditions that are all but unheard of here. If you want to do something for me, please do something for them. Buy a five dollar gift card from Burger King and hand it to the next homeless person you see, so they can have a meal. There are hundreds of worthy causes out there that I have always wanted to contribute to, but have never been able to.

Are you alright?/Are you going to be okay?

Not in the immediate future. I don't want to speculate on it farther than that. I trust in Mike and God's guidance to work on the necessary steps between here and the place/time where I can be helped. I need my neck/shoulder treated so that I can be of actual help around whatever home we end up in, and then, I need to be under a psychiatrist's care. Both at the same time seems like an impossible dream. But before any of that, there are a number of things that need to be taken care of, and none of them are in my hands.

So, for now, I feel useless. I feel defeated. And, even if I had a solid timeline of how things are going to progress from where we are now to that point, I'd still be waiting for it all to happen. And if there's anything life has taught me, it's that plans are what life seeks to derail.



So, if you find yourself being directed to this page, please do me a huge favor. Just say things like "I'm praying for you" or "You're in my thoughts" or **hugs tight** or even "I'm here if you need anything."

Believe it or not, those things make me smile a little, because it means you understand. It means I'm not as alone as I feel. It means all the things the above questions are meant to portray, but in a more supportive way that makes me feel a little less like I'm dragging the entire world down with my despondence.

Thanks,
Lela