It's only make-believe

My first real rp character was a woman named Angel Love. She was a supernatural dectective who, among other things, was a lush and very sexually promiscuous. Angel was sexy, smart, full of energy, and dated a LOT. She always fell for the bad guy. She was an expert in hand to hand combat and firearms. She hardly ever slept, and she got into trouble a LOT by making the wrong choices.

My real life at the time was so very unlike hers. I was living in my mother-in-law's basement with a breast-feeding infant, a husband who was working exhausting hours while trying to help me with said infant, and a horrible case of post-partum depression. My mother-in-law was perpetually critical. We couldn't meet our bills. And within six months of childbirth, my rapid weight loss turned to rapid gain, because of the birth control shots my ob-gyn had convinced me were very necessary. I was experiencing a multitude of physical problems that ranged from the back pain they told me would go away once I gave birth (and didn't) to my teeth weakening and breaking from the ever-diminishing supply of minerals and vitamins that my body couldn't replace while breast-feeding. I was constantly exhausted, and I felt about as sexy as the Blob.

Now, understand, Angel had a lot of me at the time in her too, but the traits she and I had in common gave me a connection to her while everything else gave vent to the frustrations and incapabilities I was experiencing. She was a fiercely loyal friend. She was concerned about righting wrongs. She needed the people around her, especially her best friend. She had a dry, sarcastic sense of humor.

And that's what rp was for me for years: a vast game of make believe where I could give vent to those parts of myself that were buried or denied, because I have to live in the real world. Each character took a little piece of me and a whole lot of what I couldn't be or do in real life and became alive for a short time every week during our face-to-face games or every few days in our online groups.

Then, I discovered rp in CoH, and for a while, it continued to be that outlet for inner expression. In the beginning? Scorp was smart-assed, haunted, and had enough darkness in her past to overcome, that she was exciting to play. She was indecisive (as I am much of the time), but driven by the strength of her heart. Star (you remember the first Star?) was trapped inside a demeanor of genteel southern upbringing while she raged inside against everything that was 'expected' of her.

However, I screwed up.

It started with Scorp really. I was explaining to someone that I didn't intend to put Scorp into a relationship so much as let her date around a bit. That someone told me that wasn't going to be well-recieved in the rp community I was in. So, I changed her.

Later, another person expressed jealousy over some rp I was engaged in with Synoptic. So, I changed her.

I look back and see these and other points along the way where I didn't do what I wanted to with a character, because I was busy trying to make people in ooc-land happy and comfortable. I've become increasingly uncomfortable and unhappy in the process. I've dealt with people along the way who gauge their ooc friendships by what is done ic, and I've been sucked into that line of thinking myself more than once. "Well, I'd like to have my character do this, but that player will take it personally, so I just won't."

There is actually a player out there who won't speak to me icly or oocly, because she's mad that her character was yelled at icly last year and she took it as a personal offense.

You see...why would I want to pretend to be just like the person I am in real life? Why would I want to make believe I'm in a stable, loving relationship with the same needs and desires that I have here in real life? Why would I want to pretend to be someone who's family life defines them when that's all I've got here in real life?

To make you comfortable or happy?

If we're friends ooc, why does what I do icly affect that friendship? If we're rp'ing together in the first place, doesn't that show that I'd like to spend time playing with you? If we weren't rp'ers, then the very fact that I am playing CoX with you would show you that I want to spend time with you, right? If my rp defines our frienship for you, then are you really my friend?

If you're an rp'er, I challenge you to look at your own motives to rp and what you want to get out of it. Before CoH, my characters used to teach me things about life and about myself that have (I hope) given me a more well-rounded view of the world around me. They've helped me understand people who aren't anything like me. They've helped teach me tolerance and acceptance. They've curbed my real life tendency to do stupid things, because they've given me a safe place to do those stupid things. They're a great place to deposit insecurities so that I can try to overcome them in pretend and maybe figure out how to overcome them in the real world. That's what make believe was supposed to be for us when we were children, and it can be the same great tool in our adult lives if we use it.

Each of my characters is getting a major overhaul in the coming month in one way or another. One or two will probably get deleted as I've no real use for them. I want to get back to the kind of rp that I used to do. The kind that stretches my imagination and gives me a creative outlet.

You know.

I want to play pretend. :)