A few words

What do you do when everything gets so hard? Life, family, friends, responsibilities...they all make demands on you, and the day comes when you just...can't keep up.

I'm looking around me at everyone's struggles - the obvious and the not-so-obvious - and realizing that there are those of us who receive help from an outside source at one point or another for some of these struggles, but when the next one comes, that source...that person who was so helpful/strong/reassuring/whatever before...they can't do it again. So, we demand the same level of assistance, because we expect it, and when it's not forthcoming, we get angry. We feel let down. Betrayed, even.

But they're -our- struggles. We own them. We can ask for help, but we have to know that sometimes, someone's gotta say no, because they own their own struggles. That sucks, but it's the way it is.

I've been apologizing a lot for not being capable of doing what was expected of me, and I've been demanding a lot of assistance from the sources that have given it before. The former was badly recieved and the latter was wrong of me.

It was when I asked for help, though, that I finally was able to see this and get the assistance I needed so badly.

I want to help people. Friends say it's to a fault. I don't stop trying until I've been hurt good and plenty, and even then, I don't know how to say "No, I've got my own struggles here." So, by the time it's said, it's rarely by me, and it's rarely ever that simple.

I owe an apology to those of you who looked out for me, because you tried to tell me about the runaway train I was on.

I owe an apology to one person in particular for being a shitty friend to him, because sometimes, being a good friend is just as much about being the kind of person who says "No. I've got my own struggles here, and this is something I can't handle."

I owe an apology to myself for forgetting to love myself enough to keep my life from getting so close to spiralling apart again.

To the rest of you? Well, I can only tell you that I'm human and flawed. I'm, as always, a work in progress.

I'll be around.